DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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