I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
