I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
