dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
