Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize