He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
