Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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