ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
