Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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