is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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