Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
