Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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