He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You pole danced in your parka.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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