i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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