I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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