I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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