Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
