new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
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