is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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