I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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