You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize