never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
