I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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