The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize