if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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