listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
