I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
