Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
