but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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