he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
