She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize