Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize