Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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