Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
