I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
