The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
