This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
