i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
