Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
he's single and there are thong briefs.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
