He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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