i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
