We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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