Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
