I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
