I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
being pregnant is like rehab
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize