listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
