EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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