My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
