I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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