oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
