those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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