So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm always down for nudity.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
