My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
