apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
