The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
