I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
we should paint friendship bongs
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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