The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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