You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
